It Doesn't Matter
by smilzforlife
Summary: Rucas One shot. 3 years after Lucas makes his decision
1. It Doesn't Matter

He asks me if I'm okay. I turn in his direction and give him a half-hearted smile and squeeze his hand. I tell him that I was perfectly fine, but really, I would rather have stayed home. We are on our way to Farkle's for our annual Ugly Sweater Christmas Party. Everyone will be there from our group of friends. I have learned to fake my smile and appear happier than I really am –no one needs to know that I'm unhappy.

"You two!" Farkle exclaims, giving us both hugs and welcoming us into his home.

Smackle's on the couch talking to Zay, who is eating cookies and sipping on hot chocolate. We join them and listen to them argue on who got into the better colleges.

Farkle sits next to Smackle and puts his arm around her shoulders. "Great, now all we are waiting for is Maya and…" Before he finishes his sentence the doorbell rings.

He gets up to open the door and I close my eyes momentarily to brace myself for what's to come. I inhale deep to keep my eyes from watering.

"Maya! Lucas! You're the last ones. Come in," he says as they walk in.

I turn around, knowing I shouldn't, but I do. They're hand in hand and I can feel my heart sink. I liked him first, but it doesn't matter. He picked Maya and she said yes.

I remember that day so clearly that the thought of it still pierces my heart. After Evan and I came back from a walk, I sat at the bay window and stared out into the distance. I heard someone come down the steps and glanced in that direction and saw Lucas. I thought for a second he was coming to see me, but he went to his right.

I didn't think anything of it until I heard laughing –a laugh I knew all too well. I got up quietly and walked a little closer to hear better; and I wish I hadn't.

"I choose you Maya. It's always been you since day one. I really hope you choose me, too," I hear Lucas say.

I had always imagined he'd tell me something along those lines, but I wasn't the girl he was interested in. I wasn't the girl he wanted to be with. I liked him first, but that didn't matter.

When they told me, I put on a brave face –happy to hear the news—and congratulated them. Maya was my best friend and I would do anything for her. Even pretend that it didn't hurt. Of course she asked me if I was okay with it and of course I told that I was. When I got home, I sat at the bay window in my room and cried most of the night. I didn't think it would hurt that much, but I was wrong.

Since then, I try not to be around them as much, but it's hard since we're a tight nit group. This was one of those unavoidable times –when we are all gathered together and I'm forced to face them at the same time.

"So, who's hungry?" Smackle asks as she gets up and heads for the kitchen.

Everyone agrees that it's a good time to eat and we all get in line to serve ourselves. He rubs my back and asks again if I'm okay. Again I tell him I'm fine, only this time I mean it. I was enjoying everyone's company, despite the stolen glances I took of Maya and Lucas.

We talk about the last few months of our senior year and what our plans are for the next stage in our lives. Smackle and Farkle would be heading to MIT; Zay would be going back to Texas –he still hadn't decided which college he'd attend yet; Maya would be going to NYU and Lucas decided to do the same. And I still wasn't sure where to go, but I entertained the idea of moving on to the West Coast–getting away seemed easier than staying.

I get up to go to the kitchen to get more food and Lucas is beside me soon after. I stiffen a little when he gets too close to me, but I don't mind. He nudges his elbow into me and I turn my head in his direction. He's smiling at me and points up to the ceiling. His smile –my God—it could melt the coldest of hearts. I look up and see it's a mistletoe no one seemed to notice earlier. He's still smiling at me, but all I can do is stare at his lips.

I finally look at him and he turns his head slightly and taps his finger to his cheek. I can only muster a half-hearted laugh and look at his lips one last time before I tiptoe and peck his cheek. I had hoped in that moment he would have turned and our lips would have connected. But we're just friends and he's dating Maya.

After we play a few games and exchange gifts, Farkle goes around the room and dangles a mistletoe above everyone's heads. Smackle, Maya, and I kiss Zay and then the last couple to get the mistletoe is Maya and Lucas.

It's all for fun and everyone is laughing while they wait for them to kiss, but I avert my eyes to the floor just as their lips connect.

Things start wrapping up after we finish our last game of Cards Against Humanity. Everyone is grabbing their coats as they get ready to leave. He gently kisses the side of my head as he helps me put on my coat, while Lucas hands Maya hers.

Zay leaves first, having to get up early to pick up his girlfriend from the airport. Lucas and Maya head out the same time we do so our goodbyes are saved for outside the building. Lucas' arm is around Maya's shoulders and her arm is wrapped around his waist; and all I can think is that I wish it were me under his arm.

When we get to the sidewalk, I give Maya a hug telling her that we would hang out some time before school starts again. And then Lucas stands there with open arms and I instantly go to him without any thought. He's warm and I can hear his heartbeat against his chest. I hear him inhale a deep breath and I do the same –his scent is addicting.

We depart –Maya and Lucas go one way and we go another. I take one last look behind me and see Lucas turn his head ever so slightly in our direction with a faint smile on his lips.

No matter how much I try to move on, there's no denying it; I still like him. But that doesn't matter either.


	2. It Still Doesn't Matter

Another three and a half years have come and gone since our senior year. I am now in California and two semesters away from graduating. I can honestly say moving away from everyone and everything in New York was the best decision for me. Of course I still talk to everyone here and there and we all get together when we can (though both seem to be fewer as the years have gone on), but I love being on my own side of the world.

The one thing I feel guilty about is how much I don't visit or talk to them. It's just that Farkle and Smackle are constantly doing research, Zay decided to double-major and add a minor, so he's even busier than your typical college student, Lucas has been working his butt off to get into veterinary school, but I talk to him more than the others.

And then there's my sweet peaches, Maya. She's been going to school, working at an art gallery and really focusing on her art. I'm so proud of her.

I learned the spring semester of our freshman year that Lucas and Maya had broken up and Lucas transferred to the same college as Zay in Texas. I asked about it, but all that either of them would tell me was that it was a long time coming.

I hate to admit how happy I was when I found out. They aren't together anymore, but it still doesn't matter. Lucas and I could never be together anyways.

I get back home from work and all I want to do is curl up in bed and take a three hour nap. But as soon as I change into my comfy clothes, I hear the door open. It can only be one person.

"Hey babe," he tells me with a wide smile.

I smile back at him. He's someone I've come to love these past three years. He's taught me to love my imperfections and he loves me for who I am. He makes me happy and all the moments we're together, I forget about Lucas. But it still doesn't matter, because a part of me still loves Lucas and probably always will.

He gives me a kiss and sets his things by the couch. "So, do you wanna go to the gym with me before dinner?" he asks.

I raise an eyebrow and shake my head. He asks me the same question every time he comes home and every time I tell him no. He thinks eventually I'll say yes.

He goes to our room to change, muttering something along the lines of "you're missing out" and I laugh silently to myself. He comes back from our room with his gym bag in hand, kisses my forehead and leaves.

I sit on the couch and take out my phone and press on the unsent text to Lucas in my phone. All it says is 'Hey, how's it going?' but for some reason, I can't bring myself to send it. It's been weeks since we've last talked. Just as I set my phone aside, I hear it ring and see that it's Maya.

I smile before answering. "Peaches!"

We talk for a while (she is mostly raving about this artist who's become her mentor) before she asks if I would come to an opening where one of her pieces will be displayed. I tell her of course I will.

I hear a low knock on the door and tell Maya I have to get going. I answer it without seeing who it is and as soon as I do, I wish I had.

My heart stops for a split second and then I feel it quicken its pace. I blink a few times to see if he'll disappear, but it's no use. He's really here. It's Lucas.

He smiles at me and I suddenly feel all my breath escape me.

"May I come in?" he asks politely.

I nod my head and say nothing as he enters. My eyes stay on him the whole time. It had been so long since I've seen him in person, it's as if I'm seeing an illusion.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, I finally find my voice. "What are you doing here?"

He tugs on the straps of his backpack and looks down at his feet. It's as if he's trying to come up with an answer. Finally, he looks up at me with a half-hearted smile.

"I don't really know. I just wanted to see you."

He just wanted to see me? Did he miss me that much that he had to come all the way here to see me? Whatever his reason, it still doesn't matter.

"I mean, I know we facetime almost every day, but I can't hug you over the phone or anything like that, plus I missed you," he says while rubbing the back of his neck.

I can't help but smile at him. "Would you like to sit down?" I offer, walking towards the kitchen table. He sits and places his backpack next to him. "Want anything to drink?"

After I get him a glass of water, I sit across from him. While he's looking around my apartment, I study him. His hair is still the same, just a little more unkempt than I remember; there's some stubble around his jaw that I didn't notice at first; small shadows cast under his eyes as if he's tired—which I'm sure school is the likely cause. But overall, he's still the same Lucas I remember over the years.

His eyes return to mine and we both just smile at each other. "So, no one else wanted to come with you here?" I ask.

He looks down for a moment and shakes his head. "No one knows I'm here," he says.

I raise an eyebrow and look at him confusingly. "No one? Not even Zay?" I ask.

He shakes his head again. "Nope. Let's just say that this trip was very impulsive. I went to the airport right after class. Next thing I knew I was standing outside your door, hoping you'd be here. I just hope this wasn't a bad time."

I want to say yes; it is a bad time. But he's here and I can't ask him to leave now. I honestly don't want him to leave. I've missed him.

"No, of course not. I'm glad you're here." I smile at him and when he smiles back, it's as if it's just me and him–nothing else matters.

"Me, too. You've got yourself a nice little place here in Cali," he says, looking around once more.

His story and observation got me thinking. "How did you even know where I lived?"

He lets out a sigh before speaking. "Well, you see, during the winter break, we went to Maya's one time and there was an envelope on her desk addressed from you. And I may have taken a picture of it just in case I decided to come visit you."

I raise my eyebrows in surprise and let out a quiet "oh". I had forgotten I sent Maya letters, only for her to just call me back in reply. "You could've just asked me," I say shyly.

"Sure, but what fun would that be. I wanted to surprise you. I didn't want you to know that I was thinking about visiting you," he says playfully with a smirk across his lips.

I blush at his statement. I wish he wouldn't do that, but at the same time, I'm happy he does. "So, how have you've been?" I finally ask.

The smirk disappears as he licks his lips and the playful look on his face turns serious. "I've been okay. School's stressful, but I'm managing. I start applying to vet school soon."

I reach my hand out to his and gently squeeze it, smiling at him. "You'll get in. You're going to be an amazing veterinarian."

He puts his other hand over mine and a jolt of electricity radiates up my arm. He looks as if he feels the same thing, but I doubt it. He'll never feel the same way about me the way I do him.

"Thank you Riley, for always believing in me."

"Of course. I'll always believe in you." He smiles back at me gratefully.

Before either of us could speak again, the front door opens, and I quickly whip my head towards it and remove my hands from Lucas'.

"Babe, you really missed out on a good workout today. Let me tell you…" he trails off as soon as he sees Lucas. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know we were expecting company," he says, dropping his gym bag at the door.

As he walks towards us, I get up and briefly look down at Lucas, who appears more hurt than confused. "Kevin, this is Lucas Friar. Lucas, this is Kevin…my fiancé," the latter I say hesitantly.

Lucas' eyes dart up to mine and I can't imagine what he's thinking at this moment, but the hurt look on his face hasn't disappeared.

Kevin is next to me now and has his arm around my shoulders. "Looks like the cat is out of the bag," he says and sticks out his hand to shake Lucas'. "It's a pleasure to meet you Lucas. Riley's told me so much about you."

Lucas looks from me, to Kevin's hand and then at Kevin, who's smiling and waiting patiently for Lucas to react. "Thank you," Lucas finally says. "It's nice to meet you too," he replies as he shakes his hand.

I let out a breath of relief and smile a little. "Well Lucas, will you be staying for dinner?" Kevin asks.

Lucas opens his mouth, but no words come out. "Oh, you should stay. I'm cooking tonight," I chime in.

He nods his head. "Sure, that'd be great."

Kevin clasps his hands together in delight and walks back to get his gym bag. "Great! Now if you'll excuse me, I kinda smell and need to shower," he says, closing our bedroom door behind him.

Lucas is still sitting on the chair, staring at the empty space before him. At this point, his expression is vacant –no emotion. I'm not sure what to make of it. The only thing I can say is, "So, do you want to help me make dinner?"

He turns his head in my direction and his once vacant expression, now shows a hint of anger. "Fiancé?" he asks.

I turn towards the kitchen sink and grasp the edge of the counter, shutting my eyes and taking a deep breath. Without answering, I walk to the refrigerator to get everything I need to make dinner.

"Riley!" he shouts.

His voice startles me as I drop everything on the counter. I run my fingers through my hair and finally look at him.

"What? What do you want me to say? That he's not really my fiancé?" I retort.

He looks taken aback by my comment or the tone of my voice. Maybe both.

"I'm sorry. I'm just…confused." I wait for him to continue. "I mean, out of all the thousands of phone calls with you for the past three years, you never once mentioned him," he says, with his thumb pointing towards my bedroom.

There's anger in his voice after the last sentence. But he has no right to be angry. "You never asked," I say coolly.

His face contorts into confusion again. "Of course I have," he answers back.

I shake my head. "No, I ask you, but you never once asked me back. You just assumed I wasn't dating anyone."

"That's not true!"

"Oh really? Then why have you never asked?"

His eyes lower and move quickly from left to right, as if trying to search for a believable answer. He finally looks up at me with a look of realization.

"I don't know," he says quietly.

After that we don't talk, only to finish dinner. Kevin ended up helping us since nothing really got done while he was showering. Everything is going surprisingly well –Lucas and Kevin are chatting about things that don't interest me. It's only when my name is mentioned in conversation that I pay attention.

"So, Riley tells me you're going to be a veterinarian. That's awesome!" Kevin tells Lucas.

Lucas nods as he finishes chewing his food. "Yeah, that's the plan."

"I think it's so awesome. It's not an aspiration you hear nowadays. If I had any connections, I'd put in a good word for you."

"Thanks, I appreciate that. So, um…what is it that you do? I can't remember if Riley mentioned it or not?" Lucas sits back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest, waiting for an answer.

I give Lucas a look that he ignores, and glance towards Kevin, who only smirks.

"I'm actually a lawyer."

Lucas raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Oh, wow. That's cool. Did you know Riley's mom is a lawyer too?"

I roll my eyes and shake my head subtly. What was he trying to do?

Kevin just chuckles. "Yes, I am aware of that. She's the one who got helped me get the job at the firm."

It wasn't the response Lucas was hoping for by the looks of his expression.

"So…how did you two meet anyways?"

I look at him and he's staring at me. I want to say something, but his stare and the tension between us render me speechless.

"In one of Riley's classes her freshman year," Kevin answers.

Lucas looks towards Kevin now. I let out a small sigh of relief. "Were you her professor or something?"

Kevin looks slightly offended, but laughs it off. "Not quite. Teacher's assistant. Fell in love with Riley at first sight," he says, grabbing my hand and squeezing it gently.

I only smile at him. I didn't have that reaction towards him right away. There's only been one person I fell in love with at first sight –and he is sitting across the table from me.

"It took a while to get her to go out with me, but I finally got her to agree and the rest is history."

It did take some time for me to agree. Between our four year age difference and the fact he was my TA, it seemed weird for us to date during the semester. I thought I could love him…I do love him, but it still doesn't matter, because my heart still loves another, who doesn't love me the same way.

The conversation veers from Kevin and mine's relationship and onto less personal things. After a while I look at my phone and notice how late it is.

"Is that the time already?" Kevin asks looking down at my phone too. "Gosh, I gotta go in early tomorrow to prepare for court," he says as he gets up from the kitchen table.

Lucas also gets up from the table. "I should probably get going myself," he says, reaching for his backpack.

"Where are you staying at?" I ask. It's one of the first things I actually say to him throughout dinner.

Lucas looks down at his feet and shrugs his shoulders. "I'm not sure. I figured I'd just find a hotel for the night."

"That's nonsense. Don't go spending money for one night. Stay here. We have a spare bedroom. You can be the first guest to try it out," Kevin says with a big grin.

Lucas looks between me and Kevin, unsure of how to respond. "Please stay," I say with a half-hearted smile. I genuinely mean it, hoping he'll take the offer.

His eyes light up, or so I think, and he smiles back at me. "Okay," he answers.

"You two should continue to catch up. I'll make sure the guest room and bathroom has everything you need before I go to bed," Kevin offers.

Lucas sits back down and watches as Kevin finishes up in the guest room and closes the door to our room behind him. "He's very nice," he says, turning around towards me.

I raise an eyebrow. "Were you expecting him to be a jerk?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "Kinda."

I roll my eyes and run my fingers through my hair. He's smiling at me, or more like mischievously grinning. "What?" I ask.

He laughs. "I'm just wondering how your dad reacted when Kevin asked him for your hand in marriage. I can only imagine."

I sigh. "Well, you'll have to keep imagining. My parents don't know. No one does. You're the only person we've told."

His face goes stoic. "Wait…he never asked your dad for his blessing?"

I shake my head no.

"I can't believe he didn't. I would've asked," he says, placing his hand over his chest. "I even asked your dad for it to just take you out on your first date."

I don't understand why he's angry. I'm not even sure why he cares so much.

I cross my arms over my chest and sit back. "Well, I'm not marrying _you_ , I'm marrying _him_. And he's not you, Lucas. He didn't have to ask my dad." I can feel the tears surface, but I hold them back somehow.

Lucas notices and comes over to sit next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "I-I'm sorry Riley."

I turn my head to look at him. "Why do you even care?"

He takes his hand off my shoulder and looks away. "I don't," he says.

I roll my eyes. I can tell he's lying. "Lucas, tell me the truth."

He finally looks at me and sighs heavily. "I…Riley, you're one of my best friends, of course I care. I don't know him. I don't know if he's good enough for you. I mean, why didn't you tell anyone about him?"

That was the question I was afraid he'd ask and he did. "It's hard to explain," I respond.

He's smirking. "Try me."

"Ok. It's really not that hard to explain, I just don't think you'll understand."

"Riley…"

I sigh. "Fine, fine. I'm happy. I'm happy with him."

His eyebrow raises slowly and he sits back into the chair. "Really? Because that sounds like the opposite of why someone wouldn't want to tell their friends that they met someone and they're getting marrying."

I throw my hands up in defensive. "I know. I told you, you wouldn't understand. It's just that…every time I told you guys something I was happy about, it somehow got taken away from me. And I wanted this happiness to last until we told everyone."

He looks down and bites his lip. "I'm sorry you feel that way," he says, sincerely.

I know he's staring at me, but all I can do is stare at the way his lips move. All I want is to feel them one last time on mine. But then I look towards my bedroom and remember the man I'm marrying is a few feet away from me.

"Riley, when do you plan on telling everyone about this?"

I finally look at him and shrug my shoulders. "We plan to this summer, when we go to New York."

"Oh," he says. "Look, it's getting late, I'm sure you have an early day tomorrow, too," he says getting up.

"Surprisingly, I'm off from work and school tomorrow, but you're right, it is getting late. What time is your flight tomorrow anyways?"

"When I book it, I'll let you know. But I'll try to get one at the earliest tonight. I don't want to intrude any more than I have." He's halfway to the guest room.

I stand up and watch him. "Lucas…" He turns around. "You're not intruding. Book a late flight. Let me take you around the city tomorrow and I'll drive you to the airport afterwards," I offer.

He's smiling, which makes me smile. "Sounds like a plan. Good night, Riley."

"Good night, Lucas."

"I've had a wonderful day so far, thanks," Lucas says as we get into my car.

"I'm glad. So, how much longer until you need to be at the airport?" I ask.

He turns his left wrist over and looks at his watch. "Probably in about an hour and a half."

"Okay, so where else do you want to go? One more thing you'd like to see?"

He doesn't answer right away. I turn towards him and he's just looking out the window. I see a hint of a smile from the side and he looks at me. "Take me somewhere only you go, somewhere no one else goes, but you."

I take him where he asks. It's nowhere special, but it's special to me. It's near a neighborhood by my apartment, along a walking trail –a small bridge that overlooks a lake. I go there to think, to take a walk, or to just watch the ducks swim casually across the lake.

We walk along the path towards the bridge. He's just slightly a step ahead of me, stretching his arms above his head, his chest puffing out a little, breathing in the fresh air. "So, this is where Riley Matthews comes to be alone?"

I lean and rest my arms on the railing of the bridge. Lucas' back is against it and his arms are across his chest.

"Yeah, my little island of quietness."

"It's beautiful," he says.

From the corner of my eye, I see he's looking my way. When I turn my head to the side I see him looking at me, smiling. I can feel myself blush and quickly look back towards the lake.

"I thought Maya was supposed to visit you a few months ago?" he randomly asks.

"She was supposed to, but she had to cancel last minute."

"She's your best friend Riley," he points out.

I give him a look. "Thanks for reminding me."

"Why haven't you told her of all people? Is she someone who takes your happiness away?"

I'm taken aback by his question, that a breath escapes me. I look at him stunned. "What? No, of course not, why would you even think that?"

He puts his arms down and turns around to grip the bridge railing. "Then why not tell her?" he asks.

I roll my eyes. "I will, in the summer."

On the subject of Maya, all I want to do is ask him. Ask him why he picked her all those years ago. Ask if him I ever stood a chance.

But I say nothing. I just let the wind hit my face and mess up my hair. After a moment, I take another look in Lucas' direction and when I do, he does the same thing and looks at me. He moves a little closer and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. And then he hugs me, making me feel secure and comforted. I hug him back, not knowing what else to do. He places a gentle kiss on my forehead and I freeze.

His lips linger there longer than I expect. And then he whispers in my ear, "I'm sorry if I ever took your happiness away."

It's a gut-wrenching apology and I feel my eyes water. If only he knew.

By the time we know it, it's time for me to take him to the airport. It's a silent car ride and I'm thankful for it. I park at the drop-off area and get out to say good-bye.

I hug him and say, "Thank you for coming to visit."

He rubs my back with his hands and I just want to stay in his arms a while longer. "You're welcome," he responds.

We let go and I put on a half-hearted smile. A part of me just wants to leave with him, but the other part of me remembers I have a fiancé here. "Have a safe flight. Text me when you get in."

He chuckles, "I will."

"And look out for your save the date and wedding invite in the mail!" I may have said that a little too enthusiastically by the looks of his slight frown. He just nods his head, gives me one last hug and walks away.

I watch him disappear into the crowd of people, wishing he could stay another day. Wishing things had turned out differently. No matter how much I try, there's no denying it –I'll always love him, but it still doesn't matter.


End file.
